*potential concept art for my webcomic coming soon: 1001 Sundays W/ My Dad...
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Psychoeconomixxx Lab
Everything vibrates," she says. She stares straight ahead, her light brown eyes filled with marred amusement.
"Everything?" he asks. "Even the patent leather ones?"
She nods.
He looks around, cracking his fingers repeatedly with nervous excitement.
What he sees is a cornucopia of pleasure and comfort. Adult toys with three or more gyrating heads, liquid gel cooling systems, and blinking lights and speakers for letting you know how turned on you are. Butt plugs sculpted into the shapes of 1980s celebrities, textured in rare animal skins from the jungles of Borneo. Adult magazines and videos made entirely out of an asscluster of non-reproductive body parts.
He picks up a glass dildo. Blue LEDs line the inside. Its surface is smooth and cool to the touch.
"I think I'll take this. How much?"
"It's on sale. You get 50% off."
"Why only 50%?"
"Excuse me?"
"Why does it only get you 50% off? Shouldn't it get you off completely? Is that why it's on sale?"
She stares at his two heads with an appropriate look.
"The sale is 50% off… you pay half price."
"Oh! That makes more sense, I guess." He looks out the window and scrunches his face at the people passing by on he street. "Y'know, I think porn will be responsible for the end of humanity."
"Yeah? That's nice." She says. She adjusts the rabbit ears on the tiny analog TV next to the desk, the tips of which are capped by nipple erasers. Staticky footage of stock tickers and day trading advice pops in and out of focus.
"Too many horny people fucking. Having accidents. Making babies. All because of porn."
"You think people wouldn't fuck if there wasn't porn?"
"Of course not. People have been fucking since long before porn. I still think they'd fuck, just not as much."
She twirls her finger through her jet black hair. "I think people would fuck more. They'd have to go out and actually get laid instead of staying at home masturbating to their favorite sex blog."
"That assumes being horny results in better game. Which is a false assumption."
She narrows here eyes at him, slicing his soulthing.
"Are you some kind of analyst?"
"Maybe." He smiles wry.
"Ever have electric sex?"
"Depends. Sex with electrical equipment? Or Sex with a person using electricity?"
"Either."
"I fucked wrapped in Christmas lights once."
"Any burn out? Y'know, cause of sweat and all."
"The whole thing. They're connected in series."
"Yeah..."
"We fucked to an electric song though."
"Electric slide?"
"Electric avenue."
She laughs and shakes her head. "Are you going to buy that?" She points at the glass dildo.
He places it down on the counter. "Nah. I have to get back to work."
"Where do you work?"
He opens his mouth, then pauses.
"Saltwater distribution."
Her eyes widen with revelation.
"That explains it."
"Explains what?"
"You."
He nods. "Ah. Probably."
"I distrust all saltwater."
"Even the kind from the sea?"
"What did I just say? ALL. But yes, especially the kind from the sea."
"Most people like seawater."
"Most people eat shit too. Whales shoot out 400 gallons of sperm per ejaculation. Why do you think the sea is so fucking salty?"
"You know that's a myth."
"Yes. I spent three years clad in an iron cage by the pier. I called it the Tet-anus-anic."
"Clever girl."
He looks out the window again. A train of umbrellas passes by.
"Shit. It's storming. I better get going. The pumps need me."
"See ya."
He flips up the color on his jizzleberry jacket and steps out the door. A few seconds later, she sees him pass by the window, muttering something as he rushes through the rain.
She turns her eyes back to the TV.
The price of grains is going up. Everything else remains the same.
"Everything?" he asks. "Even the patent leather ones?"
She nods.
He looks around, cracking his fingers repeatedly with nervous excitement.
What he sees is a cornucopia of pleasure and comfort. Adult toys with three or more gyrating heads, liquid gel cooling systems, and blinking lights and speakers for letting you know how turned on you are. Butt plugs sculpted into the shapes of 1980s celebrities, textured in rare animal skins from the jungles of Borneo. Adult magazines and videos made entirely out of an asscluster of non-reproductive body parts.
He picks up a glass dildo. Blue LEDs line the inside. Its surface is smooth and cool to the touch.
"I think I'll take this. How much?"
"It's on sale. You get 50% off."
"Why only 50%?"
"Excuse me?"
"Why does it only get you 50% off? Shouldn't it get you off completely? Is that why it's on sale?"
She stares at his two heads with an appropriate look.
"The sale is 50% off… you pay half price."
"Oh! That makes more sense, I guess." He looks out the window and scrunches his face at the people passing by on he street. "Y'know, I think porn will be responsible for the end of humanity."
"Yeah? That's nice." She says. She adjusts the rabbit ears on the tiny analog TV next to the desk, the tips of which are capped by nipple erasers. Staticky footage of stock tickers and day trading advice pops in and out of focus.
"Too many horny people fucking. Having accidents. Making babies. All because of porn."
"You think people wouldn't fuck if there wasn't porn?"
"Of course not. People have been fucking since long before porn. I still think they'd fuck, just not as much."
She twirls her finger through her jet black hair. "I think people would fuck more. They'd have to go out and actually get laid instead of staying at home masturbating to their favorite sex blog."
"That assumes being horny results in better game. Which is a false assumption."
She narrows here eyes at him, slicing his soulthing.
"Are you some kind of analyst?"
"Maybe." He smiles wry.
"Ever have electric sex?"
"Depends. Sex with electrical equipment? Or Sex with a person using electricity?"
"Either."
"I fucked wrapped in Christmas lights once."
"Any burn out? Y'know, cause of sweat and all."
"The whole thing. They're connected in series."
"Yeah..."
"We fucked to an electric song though."
"Electric slide?"
"Electric avenue."
She laughs and shakes her head. "Are you going to buy that?" She points at the glass dildo.
He places it down on the counter. "Nah. I have to get back to work."
"Where do you work?"
He opens his mouth, then pauses.
"Saltwater distribution."
Her eyes widen with revelation.
"That explains it."
"Explains what?"
"You."
He nods. "Ah. Probably."
"I distrust all saltwater."
"Even the kind from the sea?"
"What did I just say? ALL. But yes, especially the kind from the sea."
"Most people like seawater."
"Most people eat shit too. Whales shoot out 400 gallons of sperm per ejaculation. Why do you think the sea is so fucking salty?"
"You know that's a myth."
"Yes. I spent three years clad in an iron cage by the pier. I called it the Tet-anus-anic."
"Clever girl."
He looks out the window again. A train of umbrellas passes by.
"Shit. It's storming. I better get going. The pumps need me."
"See ya."
He flips up the color on his jizzleberry jacket and steps out the door. A few seconds later, she sees him pass by the window, muttering something as he rushes through the rain.
She turns her eyes back to the TV.
The price of grains is going up. Everything else remains the same.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Stegosaurus
There once was a hairtoad that sat on a pedestool on top of the world and dreamed everything into existence.
There were lots of things he imagined. Purple portals puking pteradactyls and relic reading rocket ships. Zombies dancing the herky jerky in airport lobbies while singing in hexadecimal. Cryptid creatures wiggling their yarny little fingers at the universe. Old ladies reading voodoo and old men listening vicariously to the slappy sounds of butt beat fucking. Great sand storms of glitter dust choking the sad out of every stupid kid on earth.
Then one day he dreamed of a great ocean that covered the entire world and washed away all the wonderful things he'd made. Or maybe it was an asteroid that coated everything in fire and ice, causing stuff to shrink and shrivel like dehydrated, lonesome cacti.
Either way the hairtoad couldn't remember the things he'd made so he decided to make new things.
And the very first things he made were love, and dinosaurs.
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